An Open Letter to the Rainbow Baby in My Belly
Pregnancy after loss has been hard, but nowhere near as hard as not having you in my life.
My Dearest CJ
I’m driving to see you again today. It’s something I used to dread. Something that would make my hands clammy and my heart race…wondering how you’d look when I got there. Wondering if I’d find out this time you were really leaving me. I didn’t have a lot of trust in you back then. Things got off to a rocky start, didn’t they baby?
Every drive I would fall into silence, staring out the window as tears rolled down my face. Bracing myself for a metaphoric head-on collision. Waiting for a blow that would knock the life right out of me. It was awful.
Don’t get me wrong…I still loved you. Immensely. That’s why it hurt so much. But I had to protect myself from that inevitable moment you’d leave. Although your Daddy kept the faith, no one could offer me any guarantees that you would make it. The odds weren’t on our side and I’d long since given up on prayer.
But every time I’d get there, every time I’d see your face, you’d win my trust that little bit more. In those times, you were the parent — the wise older being — reaching out to your fragile mother and saying ‘I’m here.’ I’d leave the appointment feeling…
