I tried the astrology app that Channing Tatum freaked out about…and I might be getting a divorce.

Frankly My Dear
5 min readJul 20, 2019
The Pattern knows what you did last Summer…

Being psycho-analysed by an iPhone app before I’ve had my coffee on a Monday morning is a great idea.

[EDITED TO INCLUDE UDPATE]

Last weekend, Channing Tatum accidently crashed the servers of a mysterious (and slightly creepy) new astrology app ominously called ‘The Pattern’. In the video (which now has over 4.4 million views), Tatum accuses the apps creators of listening in on his therapy sessions via his phone, claiming that the accuracy of the insights and predictions could only be attributed to them spying on him. Clearly shaken up, he teased that ‘nobody should know these things about themselves…’

Obviously, I signed up.

Because being psycho-analysed by an iPhone app before I’ve had my coffee on a Monday morning is a great idea.

And you guys, now I’m freaked out too.

The Pattern is like astrology for beginners. It skips all that confusing stuff about sun signs and moon signs and provides you with a breakdown of your personality and life lessons in easy-to-understand chunks. Using your date, location and time of birth, The Pattern can predict the kinds of things you are struggling with…and have been struggling with in the past.

Furthermore, you can add friends — just like Facebook — and evaluate the connection and life patterns you share. You can also evaluate your romantic relationships with haunting accuracy…PATTERN WHERE WERE YOU DURING MY INTERNET DATING YEARS?!

It started cheerfully enough for me.

‘Listen to this, honey,’ I called out to my husband, ‘I’m in a new phase of my career!’ True. I’m in an exciting time, establishing myself as a new mum and a freelance writer. But then the insights got a little more…savage.

The Pattern told me this:

Thanks for the hot tea.

That stung a little…but it’s accurate enough. There were times — especially over the past eighteen months — where I slipped…

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Frankly My Dear

Journalist & Features writer | Heartfelt storytelling about love, motherhood and life from a woman who’s been there.